Before I start ranting, I know every roleplayer goes through this and feels it. I’m aware I’m not a special case and this feeling may very well pass.
However, I’ve been thinking a lot lately, probably more than I should be, and I’ve been down in the dumps lately, and by lately I mean for the last few months. It’s like this weird sadness I just can’t shake. It’s not overbearing and crushing, but it’s there and it makes me think about stuff. So, maybe it’s not totally a bad thing.
But it does have me considering more and more about deleting this blog.
I’ve been thinking about doing that for awhile, long before this, but the idea is becoming more and more likeable. It’s not over the things I usually see people want to delete their blogs over. It’s not completely because I feel unwanted, or because I have few threads and whatnot. It’s I’m not getting anywhere.
Ilia’s character isn’t growing. I’m not getting her character where I want her to be. I’m not writing the kind of threads I want. She’s just a side character and that’s not how I want her to stay. Yes, that is pretty much completely my fault. I don’t start threads or much of anything. There’s so much I want to do with Ilia, but I don’t know how to get there.
That’s a second point. I’m so inactive. I’ve dragged out so many threads that they just die. I don’t have time to get online everyday, but I have enough to get on more than I do. It’s more of my discomfort writing and having my roleplays open when my parents are around and can read right over my shoulder. Everyone is using my laptop because our desktop broke so it’s out in the open. I don’t like that. To them, especially my dad, this is a waste of time. It’s not getting me anywhere. It’s not helping me in school or with my future. My mother has said it too, though I’m more comfortable around her. Granted, I’ve given up a lot of my passions on the sole thought they are a waste of time. I want to improve, but I’m too much of an insecure dipstick to do anything.
And down here I can squeeze in the whole not feeling needed. I feel horrible admitting it because I absolutely do not want anyone to feel guilty and this is entirely my fault, but I can get so jealous sometimes. Everyone I follow has these close relationships and little groups of friends and I have none of that. I just kind of float in the community. I’ve disappeared for months at a time with hardly a word. Yeah, people missed me, but it was something that impacting their blogs or roleplaying much. I’m not a solid part in anyone’s universe as far as I know. If I am, please come slap me for being such a stupidhead.
So that’s that.